This is my New Year’s Eve

We all have moments in our lives so large, so impactful, so joyous, so tragic that we will remember not only the date but also the little moments within the moment.  For me one of those moments actually spans two days.  February 17-18, 2011.

I think back on these two days as the end of a year I wished could have lasted forever and the start of a new year I did not want to face.  I find myself often referring to things as before then and after then.  I don’t want to say “before Steve” and “after Steve” because he is still so much a part of my life and who I am.  And tonight, three years after, I feel like this is the time of year I take stock of what I have done, who I am and who I want to be.  Have I been a better person, made better choices, treated others with as much kindness as possible?  February 17 is now my New Year’s Eve.

As I have remarked in other posts, you never know when and where your actions may impact someone else.  Seeing how Steve touched so many people in such quiet yet life changing ways challenges me each day to not forget this.  I still feel the loss of him so deeply and wonder if it ever gets better.  Yet I am thankful for the lessons his life gave me.  I am still learning from him.

He wasn’t perfect.  In fact he could be quite the pest.  I miss him so much.  Even when he was a pest.  Maybe especially then because that was one way he showed he loved you.

I read these two posts often:  Our last night with Steve and the day we said good-bye.  They make me cry as I relive our pain in letting him go. But they make me laugh as I remember all the fun memories we talked about and the teasing glint in his eyes that night.  And I feel so lucky to be part of this family who was able to go through this together.

https://grumpybutterfly.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/just-another-thursday-night/

https://grumpybutterfly.wordpress.com/2011/02/18/the-dignity-in-death/