I don’t remember Christmas 2010. I got home Christmas day and realized I couldn’t really remember the last 2 days. Everything was a blur. I had a couple of memories but not many. So my last Christmas with him is full of holes.
My first Christmas without him? Also full of holes but of a different kind.
His absence weighed heavily on my heart. But I heard him in the laughter, saw him in his kids, felt him while helping to make the cinnamon rolls with Polly, heard him giggle as we played games, and honored him with the candles we lit in his memory (thanks Bec).
Seeing all our candles together was one of the most symbolic moments of my life. I felt I could put all my loss into the flame and it would hold it for me so I could enjoy the holiday. I knew I would take it back later, but for a moment I could let the flame carry it for me. All those flames was like one big, warm group hug.