I Know It’s Taboo, But I Still Thought It Was Safe

Boys against girls.  That’s how we have to play games at my sister’s house.  She and her husband cannot be on the same team.  But do the boys really think they will win a clue giving game against sisters that think a like?  Suckers.

So yes, Hol and I were cruisin’.  Score, Score, Score.  We gave up some points getting buzzed, but hey, we can afford it.  We are way ahead.

It’s my turn, I’m doing pretty good, then WHAM…my clue giving flow is rudely interrupted.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t think.  I can only shake my head no.  At least that is what I think I did.  I pass on the word.  Not just pass…I take it out and put it on the table, it doesn’t belong with the rest of the cards, evil word.  Don’t the game makers know my brother just died?  What were they thinking putting that word in here?   Maybe I could rip it up later?  I wonder if Holly and Mike would notice it missing.  I can’t see the next word.  I am still shaking my head no, at least I think I am.  How much time has gone by, maybe an hour?  A day?   I am sure the timer has run out, it must have.  Maybe this is a nightmare and I am stuck in time. 

Quick thinking Holly knocks the timer over.  We cry a little.  Then it’s back to the game, we are our brother’s sisters after all–competitive.

It’s an innocent game.  Just a game.  Just a word on a card. 

Ashes.

(In case you are wondering, we still won)

Just My Imagination…

Yesterday was my dad’s birthday.  I wanted to ask him what it was like.  The first one without Steve.  I didn’t even mention his name.  Sometimes I am not sure if I should talk about him, maybe it will make someone cry…make me cry.  But if I don’t talk about him does it look like I forgot him?  But if I talk about him too much will it look like I am obsessing?  If I don’t, does it look like I don’t care? 

So I didn’t mention his name.  I didn’t ask what it was like to have a birthday without him.  I just pretended it didn’t happen.  Chicken.

But today, Chris and I went to the cemetery to see Steve’s plaque.  Can’t pretend there. We just sat on the bench and I cried.  It still does not seem real.  It can’t be real.   This was not supposed to happen.  I cannot imagine him gone, and I can’t wish him back.

I don’t know how long we sat there.  The tears just wouldn’t stop.  I used to make a lot of noise when I cried hard.  Now it just seems like the tears silently pour down my face.  The plaque says “Always in our hearts” which is perfect.  He is in my heart.  I thought my heart was incomplete, but it can’t be with him still there.  All the pieces are there, but it hurts.  What I found is my heart is bruised. 

Later we walked around town a little, visited the creek Steve used to fish.  Chris pointed out places Steve used to take him fishing when we were young.  Another thing I did not know about Steve until recently…he used to take three of my guy friends fishing when we were in elementary school and Steve was in high school.  How cool is that?

I find myself wishing I had more imagination.  I could use my imagination to revive memories I did not know I would need later.  Memories of things forgotten long ago that I did not know were important.  Memories of him I did not know would be so treasured now that I can’t create more.  If I could have imagined ever loosing him so early, I could have written down every story he told, every funny moment we shared, every trick he pulled, every giving gesture he made.  I could have recorded his giggle that I miss so much.  

Better yet, I could have imagined a cure and we would not have lost him.  Imagine that.