Giving thanks (queue orchestra)

I don’t believe in a God so not sure who or what I am thanking this day. And I don’t want to be thankful. But reluctantly I am.

There are the obvious things to be thankful of…family, my husband, friends, my job, laughter, cream puffs (bet you thought I’d say chocolate), puppies and kittens.

But I am most thankful that I know my brother is dying. Of course I would rather he didn’t die. Knowing provides this painful gift that rips at me but also binds my whole family closer.

Ignorance is not bliss. If he were to die with no warning I would never have really known him. I thought I knew him, thought we were close, that I had him figured out. No surprises.

I have never been so thankful to be so wrong.

If talking scares the fish away, sobbing would make them swim for the hills.

At Yellowstone, my brother and I went into the park very early one morning to be by the river as it got light.  He is a great fisherman and has fished the Madison River before.  Driving through the park in the day time I think he watched the fisherman as much as he did the animals.   He did not want to get out of the car because if there was an animal close by he would not be able to move fast enough.  So we sat in my car, in the barely there light and listened to the river. 

Sometimes he took me fishing when I was little.  Even though I talked like crazy and scared the fish away (of course a big brother would say that).  That morning, I fished around for how to tell him how much I loved him, how sorry I am this is happening to him, how wonderful he is now that I am getting to know this side of him.  He is not perfect for sure, but there is so much more depth to him than I realized.  Probably because I was always talking and he is fairly quiet.

While I was fishing for words, he was fishing the river.  So for the first time I sat quietly while he fished from my car.  Occasionally he pointed out where he would stand, where he thought the fish were hiding, how that bend would be a good spot. 

I found myself fishing too, for inner strength, acceptance, and peace.  What a beautiful place to be able to say “I accept what is happening”.   Instead, I fought crying as I watched him fish one last time.

Who loves you baby?

So we got back over a month ago.  Yellowstone was wonderful.  The weather was super the entire time. 

It was strange though…I have never traveled with a person with disabilities.   It was probably strange for him too. 

On the first day traveling I noticed that we were all battling over who could help my brother the most.  Who could buy him the treat he wanted, who would get that item for him, etc.  I took a step back and thought, what in the world are we doing?  It was like a sick competition. 

We are all so desperate to help him but I wonder how much of it is helping him and how much is helping us to feel better.  Maybe we think he will know how much we love him by how much we help him.  Maybe it makes us feel less guilty for being mobile and less dependent on others for basic living needs.  Whatever it is, once I stepped back and saw what we were doing I stopped.  At least I think I stopped.   I want so badly to make it better, and there is so little that will.

I think more often than not he just wants to be left alone, at least for now.  He can still do a lot for himself on some days.  But he never knows from day to day, or even during the day if he needs help or not.

http://birdsalltrip.wordpress.com/ link to the blog about our roadtip